I think I merely come here for the self-reassurance; for it's something that one has to do on his own, with no distractions. I spent the entire day with a close friend, and yet I'm still feeling distant. All is gone at the very moment you bid farewell - all the comfort, all the companionship. It then makes me think, and become envious I suppose, of those who have truly found comfort in another human being. Or someone who never makes you feel like you are the only person in the world. I really wonder, how did our parents meet each other's expectations, and have meaningful marriages of 30, 40 years. It's unthinkable to juxtapose that possibility on the contemporary relationships. Is that what makes the 21st century love even more desirable?
Were they from a simpler time? And that is why with less choices or opportunities in life, they found love quicker, and more naturally. I often wonder. Or that the modernity of life has introduced the effervescence of the individual, and the self-induced sense of limitless accomplishment irrespective of one's social relationships. If that's the case, I think I might reject this new fashion of social dynamics.
Like it or not, as much as we hate to admit it, nobody survives loneliness. It gets palpable in the late nights, or even when you had just left your friends, or loved ones, and start walking to your apartment on your own. It consumes you when you're carelessly drowning your thoughts on your future, distant love life. It rears its ugly head once you lose focus on being occupied with things to do. It never is an easy feeling to get rid of.
Is that why people become cynical, be it on the surface or being a hardcore cynic. I would posit that is their defense mechanism - how they deal with the fact that they don't have enough of a social life. They become testy, pessimistic about friendships and relationships, and in some extreme cases, turn a nasty face on their social lives.
Why do we feel like we are lonely, even when we aren't alone? Is it only a state of mind? Or really because of the interpersonal connections that are weak and unsubstantiated? Or is it just because we're mourning the loss of some form of closeness? I guess the only answer to these questions can only surface when one has become un-lonely? When the sensation of being sole and misunderstood/ not understood at all dissipates? ¶ 9:48 PM 0 Comments
Letting go of someone you once truly cared about possibly is one of the most common thing we all face from time to time. The sad truth is that no one really ever masters it - there are no simple guides or steps to follow that could mitigate any difficulty involved. We all fall at the mercy of turning this uncomfortable, to say the least, situation into something that we can, with dignity, look back and reminisce the "good old days".
What then is a smart way around it?
I figure there is no easy way; and it is probably not worthy trying to discover any.
I really hate this. I absolutely thought I had moved on to a happy place where I could roam around alone with the greatest of ease, with no tinge of regrets that I may have missed out on anyone. But the 'aha' moment when all previous efforts have failed seeped right from underneath. What happens when someone cannot put down his cellphone for one second during a movie and you clearly know it is someone in particular; not just A person. Firstly, it is rather impolite to be engaging in another conversation whilst being with another person. But that really is not the issue that's bugging us, isn't it?
Who the hell is he talking to?
That is the question. Some of us may choose to coyly intrude and fake an inquiry; others like myself choose to silently (or schemingly) peep over the corner of our eyes or end up making uninformed, wild guesses and eventually write about those heavy insecurities.
Another question to ask myself is: why do you care? I wish I could say "I don't" with the most callous tone possible; but like I always think: some people just get under your skin, and stay there. No matter how much you try to erase them from one part of your life, the remnants of those memories are just docile, not non-existent. That simply translates, "you're screwed for this person, embrace it and live your life".
I guess I am not really bothered by the fact that he's meeting someone new. As a friend, I truly am grateful that he had finally gone over the needy, self-trolling phase and now into a vibrant and young-again state of mind. That is crucial to anyone - especially, when you need the confidence to attract new mates. True story: upon returning from Europe, I experienced a surge in popularity that I can't really explain except maybe because I had this aura of fresh and seen-the-world attitude that some find appealing. But I digress, that shall be a story for another time.
So, at this point, you may wonder, what point am I driving at? What do I intend to do about it? Well, this warrants a serious consideration of my current emotional connection with this person and we will just have to act from there. Lying and game-playing are not really my strong suits. But disappointingly, I think they are his. I will not be coerced into any pivotal decisions quickly nor will I allow myself to get obsessed with this all over again. I think it is about time I be cool about whatever goes on around me. I shall not ask whether there has been complete moving on for I can't be sure myself. But one thing for sure, there is never an end to this, until we both see each other in a different light or stop treating each other like a back-up plan.
How can you decide, if there is any value left in the relationship? Do you stick around to find out, or would you just leave?
¶ 2:43 AM 0 Comments
Went for a trip to Taiwan and had lots of fun with Eric and Darren. We ate, shopped, clubbed, sight-see, cam-whored, and had fantastic Taiwanese delicacies throughout the whole seven days. There was so much to see and explore but Taipei is not for any lazy person who just prefers laying down and bask in the sun during a vacation (or perhaps we did not explore the more beauty spots of the country). Instead, you find noise, garbage, city lights all over the streets at night, with random groups of people being rowdy. This is the city life. The kind of adventurous lifestyle that some yearn - Chinese food at 2 am, yellow taxis at any time of the day and the efficient metro line. I love it. I love the fact that it's not perfect. Like any other busy cities, there's bound to be some undesirable, unethical even, activities looming at the corner of the street or at some secluded alley. It's exciting! It's PG-13 fun. It's fantastic.
Shopping was my primary objective there - hence the ridiculous spending that is evident from my crazy credit card bills and cashless new Bottega Veneta wallet upon my arrival back in Singapore. But I spent most of the money on stuff for my family: an Adidas jacket for my Dad, a real pretty Coach handbag for Mum, some boots for Da Jie, a tote school-bag for Er Jie and another Adidas jacket for Joan. For myself, just a simple BV wallet, lots of T shirts, a RICOH Professional GR DIGITAL III, and some other miscellaneous expenses.
Seriously, I've exhausted a lot of funds for this trip. How am I suppose to support another trip to Taiwan again, during Christmas period?! Geez.
Anyways, I'll try and upload some fantastic photos I took with my Pro Cam. Some other time when I'm really free.
All things aside, the reason why I only had the time to type this post is because for the past few days, I've been attending my grand-uncle's funeral service. He passed away the night I returned at about 1-2am on 3 October 2009. He was brought home to receive further treatment after the docs gave a very bleak account of his recovery. We wanted to administer Chinese medicine instead but because of the high content of antibiotics in his system, we had to wait for the medicine to wear off before we can feed him the Chinese medicine.
Still, it didn't work out for him. The funeral took place over a span of five days and finally ended yesterday evening. Everybody was exhausted from the grieving, late nights and ensuring the best care for my uncle during the whole cause of this funeral.
Honestly I'm too tired to write now, good night.. ¶ 9:38 PM 0 Comments
I just can't help but think about the ageing phenomenon. I was told I look older than my age and it somehow really bothered me. I mean I'm not some superficial freak who only cares about my looks but geez it's not complimenting to be commented as being older looking. I don't strive to look 15 but give me the decency of calling me 20.
When I was younger, I remember being overly eager to grow up. The want to be an adult and do what adults do. The crave to be self-responsible and not having to answer to anyone else all the time. Basically, I just wanted to remove the shackles of over-protectiveness (not that it really happened). But now, as I become older and wiser, I start to think about the carefree times we used to have and those innocent moments where everything else didn't matter except us being happy like there's no worries at the end of it all.
Has ageing made us reluctant to face the realness of life? Are we always pessimistic about the impending future? Has this society become cynical where positive thinking is irrelevant? At 30, 40 or even 50, what would we think of our world and ourselves? Are we always going to want to feel younger or at one point in time, will we just stop and accept the fact that time wouldn't be good on any of us?
Then why did our childhood selves want to grow up faster? Were we overly curious? Do human beings always desire what seems elusive and out of reach? And now that we are experiencing it, are we able to really enjoy all aspects of adulthood? ¶ 7:33 PM 0 Comments
Sometimes, it becomes easier to picture it in a different way - to see it like I'm working in the corporate world, and I'm basically on a two-year contract with MINDEF. Aside from the meagre pay and the need to stay-in which is ridiculous IMO, I actually have a mean boss, (sometimes) funny colleagues and work that seems more like a chore than a career. The shoe seems to fit right in here. I guess all I'm saying is is that I have so much to offer and I need an outlet to just unleash the energy and the what I'm doing now in the Army is not what I had in my mind.
Anyways, having spent very little time shopping for the past few weeks or so, I am really proud of myself for having controlled the urges to buy stuff. Yes, I've passed the cold turkey phase. I'm in complete control over myself and I will spend according to needs instead of wants which was oh-so hard.
Right now, I'm back to contemplating overseas education. But like I said earlier, I'm not sure if I'm ready to give up what I have here and fly a few thousand miles away just to get a degree. I'm considering Uni of Edinburgh which is all the way at Scotland. I did think of the States, the most fascinating country in the world, but it seems rather late to be taking my SATs now. UK seem like a more appropriate choice though I do love 'em Americans. I don't think I can even understand the damn Scottish accent. But when I think of all the fun and experience I will acquire in the next couple of years should I pursue my education there, I can't help but think how much difference that would make in my life. How much more would I see with my own eyes. And how much more exciting my social life would be. It's refreshing.
Old vs new. I simply can't decide. ¶ 8:15 PM 0 Comments
I realised I could not even borrow any books cause apparently my membership is not recognised. Unwilling to rectify the problem, I left without my Paris guidebook and went to Bugis Junction hoping to find a leather phone case for my Blackberry 8820.
As I was wondering around the area alone, I couldn't help but look at the people around me and I have this disappointing realisation that most Singaporeans are really unattractive. Or that they're just old. It's got to do with the gene pool over here. Our Chinese compared to those over at Hong Kong or Taiwan are, if I may compare to cuts of meat, like beef skirt to veal. Since we're all descendants of the same forefathers, why is it that the concentration of ugly people is higher here? This is not being insensitive to my people (hell, I'm Singaporean) but it's at least, remotely evident from what I observed in the last two hours. Age aside, most Singaporeans just do not have the clear, unblemished complexion, the nice hair colour, the advantages of height nor the noble body frame that Westerners have. Is all we have on the inside enough? Intelligent, probably. But in a society where people are mainly judgmental (especially on the superficial), where do we stand? To be honest, everybody cares about theirs' and others' looks.
A presentable face is so much easier to look at and that's all I'm saying. ¶ 7:58 PM 0 Comments
